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BARYA LANG PO SA UMAGA


ni Njel de Mesa

TAUHAN:
DRIVER
ESTUDYANTE, Binata, 18-20 anyos.
MODELO, Magandang Babae, 18-25 anyos.
A.E., Babae, 23-30 anyos.
PREXY, Lalake, 40-50 anyos.
PULUBI, taong grasa.

(Umaga. Sa loob ng isang pampasaherong jeepney. Makikitang subsob na natutulog sa may manibela ang Driver. May isang ‘Prexy’ na naka-civilian outfit na nakatakip ang mukhang nagtutulug-tulugan sa loob ng jeep. May dalawang beinte pesos na buong papel ang Driver sa kanyang kaha. May biglang sasakay na Estudyanteng Lalake.)

ESTUDYANTE: Bayad, o. (Inaabot ang pera sa Driver.) Sa me Bas-U, ho.

DRIVER: (Makikitang sampung pisong papel na buo ang inabot ng Basilista.) Ay, barya lang po sa umaga.

ESTUDYANTE: Hindi pa ho ba barya ‘yan?

DRIVER: (Asar.) May nakita ka na bang baryang nalulukot ng ganito? (Lulukutin ang sampung piso.) O. (Pilit na ibinabalik ang pera ng Basilista.)

ESTUDYANTE: Sungit. E, ano ‘yang nakikita ko sa kaha niyo, chief?

DRIVER: Hindi ka ba marunong mag-matimatiks? Dalawang beinte, ipansusukli ko sa sampung piso mo? Ano ka, Birtdey?

ESTUDYANTE: Manong, Taga-Basiliea University ho ako… alam niyo po ba ang ibig sabihin no’n?

DRIVER: Burgis ka.

ESTUDYANTE: --matalino… kaya don’t lecture me about math. Magiging driver ko lang balang araw ang mga anak niyo.

DRIVER: (Pabulong.) Baka gusto mong magkape muna nang kilabutan ka naman sa pinagsasasabi mo?

ESTUDYANTE: (Nang-iinis.) Sure. One caramel macchiato please?

DRIVER: (Inis.) Aba’y gagawin mo pa akong Starbak! O, eto na’ng pera mo!

ESTUDYANTE: D’yan na lang ho muna. Hinawakan niyo na, e. Malay ko ba kung—

DRIVER: Matagal pa tayong maghihintay. Mamaya kukunin mo lang din sa ‘kin ‘pag nainip kang maghintay. Iistorbuhin mo pa ang tulog ko. O!

ESTUDYANTE: Sige na nga ho. Akin na.

DRIVER: (Pilyo.) Pwera, lang kung kip da change na?

ESTUDYANTE: Ay, kailangan ko yung sukli, e.

DRIVER: Sus, 2.50 lang, e.

ESTUDYANTE: Yung nga e, 2.50 lang pag-iinteresan n’yo pa. (Hahablutin ang sampung piso niya.)

(Mauupo ang Basilista sa dulo ng upuan sa likod ng Driver. Babalik sa pagkakasubsob sa manibela ang Driver. Sandaling katahimikan.)

ESTUDYANTE: (Lalapit. Kakalabitin ang Driver.) Psst…Chief, matagal pa ho ba tayong maghihintay?

DRIVER: Ano ba? Kita mong natutulog ang tao, e.

ESTUDYANTE: Baka ma-late ho ako sa class ko, manong.

DRIVER: E di mag-taxi ka.

ESTUDYANTE: Sa pagmamadali hindi po ako nakahingi ng allowance sa magulang ko, e. (Hawak ang sampung piso niya.) Seryoso, eto lang pera ko.

DRIVER: “Basilistang” walang pang taxi?!

ESTUDYANTE: Sige na ho. Lumakad na ho tayo.

DRIVER: Sagutin mo muna ang tanong ko.

ESTUDYANTE: Ano ho?

DRIVER: ANO KA BIRTDEY?!! (Matutulog muli ang Driver. Babalik ang Basilista sa dating pwesto. May sasakay na babaeng maganda. Modelo.)

ESTUDYANTE: Ayos.

(Narinig ng Modelo. Lalayo siya sa Basilista.)

MODELO: (Malandi.) Manong, bayad hoe.

(Biglang lilipat ang Basilista sa pwestong mas malapit sa likod ng Driver. Aabutin niya ang pera ng Modelo.)

MODELO: I pay to the Manong only. Not you.

ESTUDYANTE: Uhm, miss… Beinte ang pera niyo. Sa’n ba ang baba niyo, miss?

MODELO: I don’t talk to stranger. (Saglit.) I’m off by the Judgement St.

ESTUDYANTE: Naku, wala pa siyang sukli d’yan. Unless…

MODELO: (Mataray.) Really? I have to change of five peyses for this. Dontcha have the driver with a five peyses.

ESTUDYANTE: Maganda ka pa naman sana. (Babalik sa dating pwesto.)

MODELO: (Pasigaw.) Manong, bayad hoe!

DRIVER: (Umaangal. Aabutin ang pera.) Kayo kaya mag-drayb nang inaantok? (Pagkaabot ng pera.) Barya lang ‘poe’ sa umaga. Mam’ya na kayo magbayad. (Ibabalik sa Modelo.) Goodnayt. (Matutulog.)

(Sandaling Katahimikan. Biglang mag-riring ang cellphone ng Babae.)

MODELO: Eiow. (Patlang.) Wait lang. I’m in the car pa, yes. (Patlang.) Where am I at? At the car nga, e. Are you dep? (Matatawa ang Basilista. Ilalabas niya ang kanyang cellphone at magsisimulang mag-dial.) Oh, what you mean is where I am at already? (Patlang.) Yes, I am at the car already. Yes, already. (Patlang.) Ever ready.

ESTUDYANTE: (Lalakasan ang boses. Nananadya.) Pare, nandito pa ako sa jeepney terminal sa may Eschaton! Ayaw lumakad ng Driver, gusto pa ‘ata punuin, e.

MODELO: Jeep? No, I am not in jeepney. (Sa Basilista.) Excuse me, can you put your volume into silent?

ESTUDYANTE: Pare, narinig mo ‘yun? Mhen, may nagmomodel-model dito. Complete with the I.Q. requirement! O, seryoso pare! Comedy.

MODELO: (Sa cellphone.) Yes! I’ll be on, in, at the VTR. Promise. On time, yes. You know naman that I’m punctuate.

ESTUDYANTE: Punctual! (Saglit.) De pare, hindi ikaw yung kausap ko. And yes I know, I know, I know… this exam’s my make or break thing…

MODELO: Don’t give to her to the role. Please, yes? I can rich there on time. I’ll be there, yes. Promise.

ESTUDYANTE: Who’s gonna flunk, mhen? Not me. (Saglit.) E ano ngayon, pare? Not because I’m stupid but because I ‘ve been cutting class… Amboring ng prof, e. Pare, ‘wag kang mag-worry… Aalasin ko ‘tong final exam na ‘to… ta’s solve na.

MODELO: I’m ask my Driver na to start a car. I’m on my ways.

ESTUDYANTE: Kaya ‘yan. Well, if I can get there on time. Mhen, shucks baka ma-late pa ako. I’m so dead.

(May sasakay na Account Executive, corporate ang attire. Mabubuhayan ng loob ang Modelo at Basilista.)

MODELO: Wait, she’s here na. (Mapapatingin ang A.E. sa kanya.) The driver. We’re got to go na. Bye-bye, yes. Mwah.

ESTUDYANTE: Okay mhen, may isa pang sumakay. This is it… mukhang magtatag-team na kami nitong tsupermodel para kulitin yung Driver na umandar na, e… Sige, mhen. (Ibababa ang telepono.)

(Huhugot sa hand bag ang A.E. ng pambayad. Iaabot niya sa Driver. Kapwang tatanawin ng Modelo at Basilista kung magkano ang inaabot na pera ng A.E. Maghihinala ang A.E.)

A.E.: (Sa Basilista at Modelo.) Hello?

ESTUDYANTE: A, e… Sorry ho… kanina pa ho kasi kami naghihintay ng pasaherong may barya para masuklian na ‘tong pera naming dalawa… Magkano ho ba’ng ibabayad niyo?

A.E.: Bente. Bakit?

MODELO: We’re one and the same money. My money is beynte peyses also too.

A.E.: Maganda ka pa naman sana. (Saglit.) Sinkwentang buo ang pera ko. Bente ang babayad ko—

MODELO: --So you are gonna changed by how many?

ESTUDYANTE: (Mang-aasar.) 30 peyses. Like…“The”?!!

A.E.: (Sa Basilista.) Ano raw?

ESTUDYANTE: Sukli n’yo, kung magkano… Wala na ho ba kayong ibang nakatago d’yan? (Tinutukoy ang bag.)

A.E.: (May paghihinala.) Bakit?

ESTUDYANTE: Hindi ko ho pinagiinteresan ang pera n’yo. Please. I’m quite sure my family’s more well-off than yours.

A.E.: Hoy! Ang yabang mo. Hindi mo ako kilala.

ESTUDYANTE: Bakit dapat ka bang kilalanin?

A.E.: (Mayabang.) HOY ulit!! Ako ang account executive slash events coordinator na magdadala dito sa Pinas ng International supergirlband na Magnificat Dolls! O!

ESTUDYANTE: Oo nga, dapat ka ngang kilalanin.

A.E.: At ‘pag na-close ko ang deal na ‘yan ngayong araw na ito… Ipro-promote na ako ng boss ko! At tiyak magiging mas mayaman na ako sa iyo!

(Magigising ang Prexy.)

PREXY: Huh? What’s that smell?

(Sasakay ang isang taong grasa at uupo siya malapit sa lagusan ng jeep. Ubod nang dungis, may sugat siyang malaki sa kanyang ulo na bahagya lang namang natatakpan ng isang maduming band-aid. Dala-dala ng pulubi ang isang maliit na sako ng kanyang mga nakalkal sa basurahan. Wala nang mga kuko sa kanyang paa at bagkus ay nagnanaknak ang bawat daliri. Pandidirihan siya ng Estudyante, Modelo, A.E., at Prexy. Tabi-tabing lilipat ang lahat, maliban ang pulubi, sa kabilang panig ng jeep. Pinaka-malapit ang Modelo sa Driver, kasunod ang Estudyante, A.E. at Prexy. Magtatakip ng ilong ang apat at itatago nila ang kani-kanilang cellphones. Sandaling katahimikan.)

MODELO: Yiiii. A yaki Pulubi.

ESTUDYANTE: (Malakas.) Ano ba, marinig ka…

MODELO: As if you’re not gonna thinking of the same banana…

ESTUDYANTE: Ba’t ano ba’ng saging ang naisip mo? Señorita?

MODELO: What are you talking? (Saglit.) About?

PREXY: Iho, I think you should be talking ‘bananas’ to the monkey over there. (Tinuturo ang Pulubi. Tatawa.)

A.E.: (Sa Estudyante.) Ambaho. Pwede bang pababain mo ‘yan? Baka kasi kumapit ang amoy niya sa akin… hindi pa ako ma-promote n’yan.

MODELO: Ditto. I am a gonna VTR. I don’t wanna smell like bad. Tell him to shoo.

ESTUDYANTE: Ako pa’ng gagawin ninyong kontra-bida.

A.E.: Dapat kasi pinagbabawal ang mga ganyan gumamit ng mga pampasaherong sasakyan. Wala silang konsiderasyon. Tignan mo s’ya… hindi man lang iniisip ang kapakanan natin.

ESTUDYANTE: Well, you have a point.

PREXY: Tsk. The government has to do something about those kinds of people… well, if you still can consider them as ‘people’.

A.E.: Hindi ba’t may programa ang gobyerno na isakay na nga nang libre ang mga laman ng lansangang tulad n’yan… Baka namali siya ng sakay.

PREXY: Someone should tell him… I mean, “it”.

ESTUDYANTE: (Mapapansing inaasahan siya ng Prexy.) O, ba’t sa ‘kin kayo nakatingin. YOU tell him. (Sa Prexy.)

PREXY: How dare you order me around!?! (Sa A.E.) YOU tell him!

A.E.: Yes, sir… Coffee sir? (Saglit.) Ay, teka… hindi kita boss. (Sa Modelo.) Ikaw ang magsabi…

MODELO: I don’t talk to stranger nga, e.

PULUBI: (Mahinahon. Malungkot.) Alam niyo, naririnig ko kayo.

A.E.: E, yun naman pala… naririnig mo naman pala kami. E, ba’t di ka pa umalis. Palalabasin mo pang masasama kaming tao imbes na ikaw ang magkusang umalis.

MODELO: I second emotions.

ESTUDYANTE: A, e… hindi naman sa tinataboy namin kayo pero… mhen, kung pwede sana sa ibang jeep ka na lang sumakay…

A.E.: Hindi ito yung libreng sakay ng DSWD.

PULUBI: Magbabayad naman ho ako. Eto po, makikisuyo po. (Pinapaabot sa Driver ang pera niya.)

(Walang papansin sa kanya. Ang iba’y biglang magkukunwaring tulog.)

PULUBI: Mà, bayad po.

A.E.: Matuto kang lumapit.

ESTUDYANTE: Gisingin na natin yung Driver para siya na ang umabot.

A.E.: Kaya nga palapitin na natin siya sa Driver para magising.

ESTUDYANTE: Kun’ sa bagay, mas matindi naman sa ammonia ang amoy niya. (Magtatawanan lahat maliban sa Pulubi. Lalapit nang kusa ang Pulubi sa Driver. Lalayo silang apat at pupwesto malapit sa lagusan. Kakalabitin ng Pulubi ang Driver para magising.)

DRIVER: (Makikita ang Pulubi. Magugulantang.) AAAAAaaaaHHhhh! Nagpa-smoke emission test ako kahapon! Hindi na ako smoke belcher!!

(Magtatawanan ang lahat.)

DRIVER: Pinagtatawanan n’yo ba ako, ha?! E, kung nagbabayad ba kayo d’yan, e di sana nakalakad na tayo kanina pa.

ESTUDYANTE: E, nagbabayad na ako kanina, ayaw niyo tanggapin.

DRIVER: Kasi nga: “Barya Lang sa Umaga” (Ituturo ang napakalaking sticker na nakapaskil sa loob ng jeep.) …Ano’ng gusto mo bumili pa ako ng isa pang sticker para idukdok d’yan sa mapurol mong utak. Ano ka birtdey?

ESTUDYANTE: There is really something wrong with that question.

DRIVER: O ano, may magbabayad na ba?

A.E.: E, magkano ho ba sa Resurrecion Building?

DRIVER: Bente na ho du’n.

A.E.: Hindi ba 18.50 lang?

DRIVER: Ano ka birtdey? Alé, kung may piso sa bawat nagsasabi niyan sa isang araw, mayaman na ako.

PREXY: E, sa Parousia Laboratories?

ESTUDYANTE: Teka… (Nakatingin sa Prexy.)

DRIVER: Sampu lang.

PREXY: (Dudukot ng pera sa kanyang clutch bag.) Bayad, o. (Makikita ng lahat ang pera niyang buong isandaang piso. Ipinaaabot niya sa iba pero lahat ay nangingilag sa takot mag-abot sa pulubi na pinaka-malapit na sa Driver. Uutusan ang A.E.) Excuse me, can you please hand this over to the driver?!

A.E.: (Nagulat.) Yes, sir… Coffee sir? (Saglit.) Ay, teka… hindi kita boss. Paabot mo ‘yan sa iba.

PREXY: You’re all wasting my time.

ESTUDYANTE: Chong, I know you… (Nag-iisip.)

PREXY: You will very well know me, if you don’t hand in my fare to that blasted driver!

A.E.: Kala mo kung sino kang boss...

MODELO: (Nagsusumbong sa Driver.) Manong oe.

ESTUDYANTE: Tama! I know you… Chong, you’re that guy in the headlines. I’ve been studying the news kase I have this Finals for Soc-Sci (Social Science.) Di ba your that guy who owns Parousia Labs!

PREXY: I don’t own it. I run it.

A.E.: (Tatango.) Aaaaaa… kayaaaa… Naku, kung ikaw ang boss ko, ayoko na’ng ma-promote.

ESTUDYANTE: (Sa Prexy.) Something like the president, right? Your union member employees are on strike, right?

PREXY: And they’re going to bring down my company if I don’t get there on time! So… (Utos.) Miss, give this to the driver! (Pinaabot pa rin ang pera niya sa Driver.)

MODELO: No, I’m a model not a passer by.

PREXY: (Sisigaw.) If you don’t, your English won’t be the only thing of you that would be broken!!

MODELO: Mister President, if you think I understand you… You are mistaken.

ESTUDYANTE: Haha. Mhen, you gotta admit… she’s funny.

DRIVER: O ano, may magbabayad na ba? Dali… (Nagbabanta.) …pabababain ko kayong lahat.

PULUBI: Ito po. Bayad ko. (Iaabot ang pera niya.)

DRIVER: Haaay, sa wakas. Amin na…

(Magtitilian ang lahat. Nahihindik sa pag-abot ng kamay ng Pulubi at Driver.)

PREXY/ESTUDYANTE/MODELO/A.E.: EEEEEeeeeeEEEEeeeeeewwwww…

A.E.: (Sa Pulubi.) Pssst…oy, mahiya ka naman. Magsuot ka muna ng gwantes!

MODELO: Kadireee manong, he didn’t even wash the hands.

ESTUDYANTE: Baka matetano ka.

PREXY: I am not going to be traveling with such an odious creature.

ESTUDYANTE: E, ba’t kayo nag-jeep. Yaman yaman niyo, e.

PREXY: My employees will attack my car onsight. This is an adroit way for me to sneak in the building without getting noticed by the mob.

A.E.: Hoy, mamà… pababain mo na kasi yang ulikbang kukulu-kulo ang tiyan na ‘yan! Hindi ka na nahabag sa aming nagdurusa sa putok niya!

PREXY: Either you ask him to leave or we’ll all go down and—

DRIVER: Hala, sige. Baba. Para namang may iba pang jeep dito sa terminal…

PREXY: --and ride shotgun beside you!

DRIVER: (Nanunuya.) Alam mo matalinong ideya ‘yan para mahuli tayo ng MMDA at lalo pa kayong mabinbin…

A.E.: Pwes, ako lang ang lilipat d’yan sa may harap. (Bababa at lilipat sa harap.)

ESTUDYANTE: Okey ka lang?! (Baba rin at uunahan ang A.E.)

MODELO: Are you okay? (Hahabol din.)

PREXY: (Habang nakikipagbunò.) You swaggering, overbearing idiots! I’m the only one with the right to ride shotgun… it was my idea! And this is MY jeepney!!

DRIVER: Nye. Ano ka birtdey?!

(Bababa sa jeep ang pulubing luhaan. Maiiwanan niya ang kanyang sako.)

DRIVER: O ayan. Nagtampo tuloy.

PREXY/ESTUDYANTE/MODELO/A.E.: YESSSSS!!! (Masayang maghihiyawan. Babalik sila sa kani-kanilang kinauupuan bago dumating ang pulubi.)

DRIVER: O, magbayad na kasi kayo. Mam’ya bumalik pa ‘yon.

ESTUDYANTE: E, naku, puro buo ang pera ng mga ‘yan.

DRIVER: Magkano pera mo ulit?

ESTUDYANTE: Sampung buo.

DRIVER: E, ikaw miss?

MODELO: Twayntee peyses. Paper type.

DRIVER: Kayo ho?

A.E.: Fifty po.

DRIVER: Kayo bossing?

PREXY: (Nagaalangan magsabi.) Hundred. Sorry.

DRIVER: Ang tindi n’yo mag-birtdey! Tignan mo nga naman nagagawa ng kasakiman, ‘no?! Pare-pareho kayong basag ang pula kung akala niyo malalansi n’yo ako. Kunwari pang wala kayong barya para makalibre kayo sa pamasahe… Kala niyo… oy, wais ‘to. Hindi tayo lalakad hangga’t mayroon nang may barya senyo!

MODELO: But manong, I am a gonna VTR!

ESTUDYANTE: May exam akong hinahabol!

A.E.: Mamà, kailangan kong ma-promote!

PREXY: (Titignan ang relo niya.) I need to be in my office in 15 minutes!

ESTUDYANTE: Sige na, chief.

A.E.: Bakit kasi ba-biyahe biyahe kayong walang barya?!

DRIVER: Dahil pobreng drayber lang po ako at hindi moneychanger!

A.E.: E, ba’t hindi kayo bumaba at magpapalit?

DRIVER: E, ba’t hindi KAYO ang bumaba at magpapalit?

A.E.: Alam n’yo, kaya hindi umaasenso ang bansa natin dahil sa mga katulad ninyong tamad magpabarya!!

DRIVER: Kamo, hindi umaasenso ang bansa natin dahil sa mga burgis na tulad n’yong ganyan mag-isip!!

A.E.: Hoy, customer mo ako! I am always right! ‘Pag sinabi kong tamad ka, tamad ka nga!!

DRIVER: May nakikita pa ba kayong ibang drayber na ‘sing sipag ko gumising nang gan’to ka-aga?!

PREXY: What a very inefficient early bird you are then?! We’re your customers and you owe us change!

DRIVER: Ano kayo—

(Matatanaw nila ang pulubing pabalik para kunin ang kanyang sako.)

MODELO: EEEEeee! Sadako is back for its sako!

PREXY: Driver, start the engine!

DRIVER: O sige pero, kip da change na?

PREXY/ESTUDYANTE/MODELO/A.E.: (Ganid.) ANO KA BIRTDEY?!!

(Nakabalik na ang Pulubi para kunin ang kanyang sako.)

DRIVER: Ang puputi ng tenga niyong lahat! Pwes, hindi talaga tayo lalakad hangga’t mayroon nang may barya senyo!

PULUBI: Ako po may barya.

LAHAT: Magkano?

PULUBI: Eto po. (Ipapakita ang Php7.50 niya. Isang limang pisong barya, dalawang mamiso, at dalawang beinte-sinko.)

ESTUDYANTE: Ayos! Kung babayad n’ya ‘yang 7.50 n’ya; masusuklian na ako ng 2.50.

MODELO: How about me?

ESTUDYANTE: (Sa Driver.) Chief, magkano hanggang Judgement?

DRIVER: Kinsé.

ESTUDYANTE: So, ayun… may five ‘peysus’ na’ng panukli sa ‘yong ‘twayntee’.

MODELO: (Excited.) VTR here I come. (Tatawag sa cellphone niya.)

A.E.: Sa ibabayad ninyong sampu at beinte, pwede na’ng masuklian ang sinkwenta ko ng thirty.

PREXY: But even if I eventually get your fifty. I’ll still be short of 40 bucks!

ESTUDYANTE: Chong, relax. The Driver’s got your forty. (Sa Driver.) Di ba, chief?

DRIVER: Ewan ko sa ‘yo mas magaling ka sa matimatiks, di ba?

(Kikiriring ang cellphone nilang sabay sabay.)

ESTUDYANTE: Mhen…

A.E.: Hello…

MODELO: Eiow…

PREXY: Yes.

ESTUDYANTE: Nandito pa rin sa Eschaton, mhen. Sige…

A.E.: Huwag kayong magsa-start nang wala ako ha?!

PREXY: I’m on my way. Don’t let them get through the gates. I can turn this around.

MODELO: Yes, I’ll be on, in, at the VTR. It’s not only confirmed, it’s confeeeermed.

PREXY/ESTUDYANTE/MODELO/A.E.: Bye. (Sabay sabay papatayin ang cellphone.)

ESTUDYANTE: May pagkakaiba ang confirmed sa confeeeeeermed?

MODELO: Schupid. (Patlang.) Confirmed means sure. Confeeeeeermed means sure na sure.

ESTUDYANTE: Well, I have just confeeeeermed your I.Q.

A.E.: (Sa Pulubi.) O, ano pang tinatanga-tanga mo? Magbayad ka na nang makalakad na kami.

PULUBI: (Sasakay ulit.) Bayad po. (Makikisuyo ipaabot.)

ESTUDYANTE: (Sa Modelo.) Ikaw ang mag-abot.

MODELO: (Sa A.E.) No. You!

A.E. (Sa Prexy.) Ikaw—

PREXY: (Sa A.E.) YOU do it.

A.E.: (Sa Modelo.) O, Ikaw daw.

MODELO: I am not a passer by. (Sa Estudyante.) YOU!

ESTUDYANTE: ‘Yoko nga.

A.E.: (Nakatingin sa A.E.) Lalo naman ako.

ESTUDYANTE: Sige ka, hindi ka mapro-promote.

A.E.: Hindi ka makakapag-exam.

PREXY: (Inis.) The two of you, shut up! Someone has to do it or we’ll all be late.

MODELO: And that’s confeeeeermed.

A.E.: Pa’no yan? E, kelangan pang i-disinfect ang pera niyan… Wala na ba talagang ibang paraan?

ESTUDYANTE: Ano’ng gusto niyong ipanukli diyan sa singkwenta n’yo? (Tinutukoy ang Prexy.) San’ daan n’ya? Yung kwarenta ng driver? E, di naka-menos ka ng sampung piso.

DRIVER: Ano ka birtdey?

A.E.: May bente siya, di ba? (Tinutukoy ang Modelo.) Akin na para sampu na lang kulang!

MODELO: I pay to the Manong only. Not you.

ESTUDYANTE: At sa’n ka kukuha ng sampu?

A.E.: Magkano pera mo?

ESTUDYANTE: Sampu.

A.E.: Nagtanong ka pa?

ESTUDYANTE: E, sa’n kaming dalawa kukuha ng sukli?

A.E.: Bahala kayo sa buhay niyo. Magpalibre kayo d’yan kay boss. (Tinutukoy ang Prexy.)

PREXY: No way.

MODELO: You’re so kuripot.

PREXY: How’d you think I got so rich? (Sa A.E. Utos.) Just give me your fifty and I’ll get the forty from the driver and be on MY way. Hurry!

A.E.: At paano ang sukli namin, aber?

PREXY: Who cares?

A.E.: ‘Lam mo, kung boss kita, I quit.

PREXY: Who says I’ll even hire such a loathsome creature as you?

(Nangawit na ang pulubi at kusa nang bababa ng jeep.)

A.E.: Hoy—ay teka, mamaya na kita babarahin kasi yung ulikbang kukulu-kulo ang tiyan—(Makikitang paalis na ang pulubi.)

PREXY: --It’s getting away!! (Hahabulin nila ang papalayong Pulubi. Pipigilan pero pinandidirihan pa rin.)

ESTUDYANTE: Huwag na ho kayong umalis. Kailangan kong mag-exam.

MODELO: I am a gonna VTR. And its already confeeeeermed.

A.E.: Titiisin ko na lang ang putok niyo. ‘Wag na kayong umalis.

PREXY: I can make you our janitor!

DRIVER: O, ano ba? Sasakay ba kayo o hindi?!!

ESTUDYANTE: Eto na…

PULUBI: O sige, sasakay ako… sa isang kondisyon.

PREXY: Anything.

PULUBI: Hugasan ninyo muna ang paa ko.

(Titignan nila ang paa ng Pulubing nagnanaknak. Mandidiri silang apat at saka magtitinginan na wari’y may pag-aagam agam. Magdidilim.)

TELON
* No part of these plays may be staged without a written permission from the author.For performance rights, permit to play, and inquiries email ktfi2001@yahoo.com or call 433.7886 /text (0917)9726514.

OLD APOLOGIES


by Njel de Mesa

CHARACTERS:
MAN
WOMAN

(A park bench is seen onstage. An agitated Woman is annoyed that her lover is ridiculously late. The Man enters sort of rushing.)

MAN: (Panting.) Sorry…

WOMAN: You’re late…

MAN: I’m late…

WOMAN: Lemme guess—

BOTH: --Traffic.

MAN: Exactly.

WOMAN: Ho-hum. What a novel excuse…

MAN: For real. It was horrendous.

WOMAN: Stop. (Beat.) It’s so obvious.

MAN: What is?

WOMAN: Your nose, Pinochio.

MAN: Ahh…consider this then my dear fairy godmother, albeIT be the most overused apology in the book, it IS the truth…And to substitute it with another would not just be a lie but a double lie. (Challenging.) SEE…(Swaggeringly shows his nose which is not any longer. Spiteful.)…my proof of truth evidenced by my nose which happens to be as short as your trust…

WOMAN: And he makes it an issue on trust!

MAN: I will ‘til you start believing.

WOMAN: Why can’t you just spill it? All of it. Say it…

MAN: What?

WOMAN: “I overslept”. Now you try it.

MAN: (Fumes.) IT WAS TRAFFIC!

WOMAN: Traffic? On a public holiday?

MAN: (Thinking of an excuse.) Well…

WOMAN: Well?

MAN: Well…

WOMAN: And the truth gropes to stall…

MAN: (Without any compunction.) Well, you see…uh…I had to passby school…but then suddenly the cars filed into an unmoving line caused by a stalled vehicle…uhm… (Proud of his cleverness.) There!

WOMAN: I also passed by school on my way here…I don’t remember being forced into that long line…

MAN: (Pretensiously irked.) Let me finish! You see, the… the s-s-stalled vehicle was—was (Stalls.) – was (Idea.) mine! My car broke down in the middle of the University road.

WOMAN: Your car broke down?

MAN: My car broke down.

WOMAN: You lost your wallet yesterday…

MAN: I know. Series of unfortunate events.

WOMAN: …Which means you don’t have a driver’s license.

MAN: (Nervous.) Oh yeah…True, true…I did…lose my wallet…along with my license… sooo…

WOMAN: Sooo…

MAN: I-I… asked a friend to drive for me!

WOMAN: Friend? Guy or Girl?

MAN: (Gropes.) Guy? I guess…

WOMAN: (Baffled.) You guess?!

MAN: I mean... yes?

WOMAN: (Suspicious.) Are you keeping something from me?!

MAN: (Defensive.) Oh, no. (Thinks.) No.

WOMAN: Then was it a GIRRRL or a guy? And why’d you have to guess?

MAN: (Stalling.) Beeee…cause…he…she… is…uhm…a… (Idea.) homosexual! There you go…he-she’s gay.

WOMAN: A gay man driving for you?!

MAN: Gay’s have special skills as well…

WOMAN: But you’re homophobe…

MAN: I am?

WOMAN: (Implying.) Unless your conversation starter on our first date was a total lie…

MAN: Of course I am!

WOMAN: A homophobe? A liar?

MAN: A homophobe.

WOMAN: So why’d you let him take you for a ride?

MAN: Uhm…it’s more complicated than it is… ‘cause he-she is…m-m-my cousin. Yeah, he’s my cousin…you know…cousin…didn’t have a choice really. Mom’s will to let him drive whenever…

WOMAN: Who’s your Mom? Elvis? I attended your mother’s funeral last year—

MAN: Oh better…get those ears cleaned… I said: it’s IN Mom’s will!

WOMAN: For what end?

MAN: Make-up… I mean, to make up for… I guess… for Mom’s… long lost… often ostracized… usually forgotten… gay nephew… you know… hitting two birds: free chauffer service and a bit of quality time…

WOMAN: Hmmm… plausible.

MAN: Great. It’s about time we get our date started, …shall we?

WOMAN: But what explains for the quickfix? Don’t tell me you’re an automotive mechanical whiz? Might as well help my Dad fix our car…that way I wouldn’t have to commute…

MAN: Oh… (Gulps.) …sadly, …my cousin did all the fixing…

WOMAN: A homosexual automechanic?

MAN: That’s my cousin. One of a kind. Not like me, dime a dozen, garden-variety-Tom-Dick-and-Harry-in-car-distress…

WOMAN: You didn’t help at all?

MAN: Shame on me.

WOMAN: (Inspects his hands.) So it seems…

MAN: Have a thing with dirt and grime…and battery sparks…

WOMAN: Are you sure you’re…

MAN: …telling the truth? Of course.

WOMAN: …straight?

MAN: (Revolted.) What?

WOMAN: You heard me. Your cousin’s gay. You’re homophobe. All the signs are in. Birds of a feather. Plus you’ve a thing with dirt and grime…

MAN: I’m a metro—what do they call it…uhm…--metrosexual!

WOMAN: You? A metrosexual?

MAN: Yup. Squeeky clean. Obsessively hygienic. Overtly conscious-if-I’m a looker proud member of that market segment.

WOMAN: You don’t look the part. Not enough evidence. You’re lying.

MAN: I’m not.

WOMAN: We’ll see. Empty your pockets.

(Man empties his pockets with but his wallet and a hankerchief in it.)

WOMAN: Ha! No breath freshner. No oil control films. Not even a hand sanitizer. You ARE lying.

MAN: No… let me explain… no… let me… explain…

WOMAN: Double time.

MAN: (Faster.) No, let me explain…

WOMAN: I am letting you. Quick. (Silence. Waiting for reply.) Your efficiency sucks, should’ve fired you a long time ago. What are you waiting for?

MAN: Fire!

WOMAN: You’re waiting for a fire?

MAN: No! There was a… a… fire, yes, a fire…a big…big…terrible…totally devouring fire…

WOMAN: So?

MAN: I lost all my metrosexual paraphernalia when I had to pull out my hanky…when I had to wet it…when I had to go back into the burning building …when I had to save this kid…who just so happened to be…trapped in the building…

WOMAN: Unbelievable.

MAN: I know. I know. That’s why I didn’t tell you. You wouldn’t believe. I’m still shocked as you are. Thank God, we have this date to distress us both… Let’s go.

WOMAN: Which building?

MAN: What building?

WOMAN: What do you mean “what building”?

MAN: (Stalling.) Oh, THAT building…I thought you were referring to another building…

WOMAN: (Suspicious.) Are you telling the—

MAN: The ECONOMICS Building! Yeah… that old dilapidated, forsaken building…

WOMAN: That’s far from the University road. What were you doing there? You’re supposed to be helping your gay cousin or atleast pretend to do so while he-she did all the manly work…

MAN: You see…

WOMAN: No, I don’t see.

MAN: I had to go to the Economics building while he-she was fixing the car to…to…

WOMAN: To do…what? Start the fire?

MAN: Uhm…stop pressuring me…hold on…I’m getting to it… to-to submit! To submit an assignment!

WOMAN: There was an assignment?!

MAN: Yes. Yes. Assignment. There was…

WOMAN: We’re classmates in Econ and you didn’t just happen to tell me there was?!!!

MAN: Oops.

WOMAN: (Chases Man.) You want me to flunk! I’m gonna whop you ‘til you’re the one who’ll flunk!

MAN: Wait! (Beat.) It’s not you…it’s me.

WOMAN: Where did that come from?

MAN: It was a make-up assignment…If I don’t pass it…I’ll flunk.

WOMAN: You could’ve just told me?

MAN: Rather embarrassed. Might be a turn-off.

WOMAN: Oh, alright. (Calms down.) I suppose… if you are flunking then I should let you pass…

MAN: (Whispers.) That was close.

WOMAN: Close?

MAN: CLOSED! I mean. “CloseD”, that’s what I said.

WOMAN: What was?

MAN: The-the-department!

WOMAN: So you didn’t get to submit your paper?

MAN: Unfortunately.

WOMAN: Can I see it then? I’m just curious. I suppose it’s still with you.

MAN: Whoa…uhm…that’s just it…uhm…it’s not with me anymore…

WOMAN: I thought you weren’t able to—

MAN: --Submit—I know …but it… it… caught fire. Remember there was this fire…big…big…terrible… totally devouring fire…

WOMAN: Are you saying you caused that fire?

MAN: No. (Defensive.) What? No.

WOMAN: You said YOUR paper caught fire. Not the other way around.

MAN: I did. It’s just that I can’t explain it.

WOMAN: Uh-huh.

MAN: It’s like internal spontaneous combustion…my paper just went pfoosh…fire…there you go…

WOMAN: You caused a fire and a traffic jam—you must be having a horrible day…

MAN: But not a horrible date. I’m fine now because I’m with you…Let’s go?

WOMAN: And I have the gall to complain that you’re late.

MAN: It’s fine. It’s fine. You didn’t know what really happened…so let’s just drop it…and go.

WOMAN: So you started the fire, got out, but came back in to save someone?

MAN: You are so smart. That’s what I like about you… (Changes the subject.) D’you know what else I like about you?

WOMAN: --But for a hero, who literally came from hell and back…you look so unscathed, unruffled, unwrinkled, and on the contrary…still neat and pressed… (Fumes.) … for our date!!

MAN: You’re so cute when you scrunch up your face with that inquisitive look. You should be an investigator?

WOMAN: If I’m the investigator. You’re the culprit.

MAN: Yes I was. And yes… there was an investigator…at the scene…aaaaand…as a reward for my braverism, gave me new clothes to replace my officially burnt duds for saving the asphyxiating kid’s life…

WOMAN: That’s the same get up you wore when we went clubbing last week.

MAN: I know. I demanded for them to get the exact same ensemble.

WOMAN: (Pointing to his shirt.) So this is new?

MAN: As brand new AS brand new…

WOMAN: (Inspects the guy’s get-up.) A metrosexual could’ve asked for an Armani.

MAN: This is Armani. I just took out the seal ‘coz I’m so coy about it.

WOMAN: So they gave you that then let you go?

MAN: What’s wrong with that?

WOMAN: They could’ve charged you for Arson.

MAN: I didn’t have a motive.

WOMAN: You were flunking.

MAN: Gimme a break! I saved a kid’s life!

WOMAN: Gimme a break! You started a fire!

MAN: Well, I stopped it as well. Ha! Can’t call me an Arsonist and a Fire Fighter at the same time.

WOMAN: Since when have you been a professional in putting out fire?!

MAN: I maybe flunking but I’m not that stupid…

WOMAN: Neither am I. (Furious.) Remember…it was a big, big fire…terrible…totally devouring… to kill it, one would require a Ph.D in firefighting…soo…Whatever secret you’ve been keeping from me…you’ve been keeping it for a very long time!!!

MAN: (Nervous.) Secret? That’s because I wanted to protect you…

WOMAN: From your secret?!

MAN: They’ll kill you if I tell you…

WOMAN: I’ll kill you if you don’t…

MAN: Please don’t make me tell you… (On his knees.)

WOMAN: This is maudlin. Cut the crap. The secret?!!!

MAN: (Helpless.) I am a secret agent!

WOMAN: (Screams to the heavens.) Lord, SMITE HIM if he’s LYING!!!

(Man ducks for cover. They both wait for something to happen. Terrified, looks up. Nothing happens. Man is relieved.)

MAN: (Proud.) See. I am.

WOMAN: Lying?

MAN: Telling the—(Hesitates. Looks up. Cautiously.) -- truth.

WOMAN: (Scoffs in disbelief.) If you’re a secret agent, I’ll be dead by tomorrow. Liar.

MAN: They killed my Mom when I told her.

(Woman ducks in fear.)

WOMAN: I thought those espionage shows on TV were totally fictional. Never thought it would happen to me.

MAN: Nobody can be THAT clever in making up wild stories.

WOMAN: So what do we do now?

MAN: Pretend this never happened. Go on with our ordinary lives and our date as well…

WOMAN: Oh, okay. (Coming out from hiding.) Shouldn’t we ask your cousin to come along?

MAN: We’re not supposed to be talking about—

WOMAN: We’re not on THAT subject. And besides your Mom would’ve willed it. Right?

MAN: (Nervous.) Of course you are…but…

WOMAN: But?

MAN: Do you really want him-her tagging along? I mean, it’s…

WOMAN: Well I am sooooo dying to meet your gay automechanic cousin!!

MAN: Had to bring him-her to…the…the…hospital. Too bad. Let’s go.

WOMAN: Why? (Snaps.Raises her voice. In one breath.) The big fire in the Economics building was definitely far from the University road where your cousin was tinkering with your aforementioned traffic-causing stalled vehicle while you were playing secret agent slash firefighter, right? And it would be impossible for him to have gotten involved in THAT scene since both the automechanical troubleshooting for your car at the University road and your pyrokinetic adventure at the Economics building simultaneously happened in the brief 30 minutes you weren’t here: running late for our date, right? So that means: there must be some other reason why you had to bring your cousin to the hospital besides cuts and bruises which he could’ve only gotten from playing with bolts and wrenches and not from any big, big fire from far,far away!?! So now, EXPLAIN!!!

MAN: (Yelling in desperation.) HE’S PREGNANT!!

WOMAN: Finally! Finally! Finally! The truth unveils itself! Show me that indecorous, adulterous WOMAN, you two-timing liar!

MAN: Woman?!

WOMAN: A.K.A YOUR gay cousin…I DON’T NEED A MINOR IN CREATIVE WRITING TO DE-CIPHER YOUR BRAND OF FICTION… Augh! You were making out with her in your car?!! I bet you were INDEED setting things on fire! Serves you right that she’s pregnant!! (Bawls.)

MAN: Oh no. No,no,no,no,no, okay, okay, OKAY!! I’ll tell you the truth!!!

WOMAN: Nothing but the…

MAN: (Exhausted.) So help me… GOD…

WOMAN: (Tries to calm herself. Inhales. Exhales.) Why were you late?

MAN: (Surrenders.) I OVERSLEPT! (Sighs.) I’m sorry.

WOMAN: Yeah right. (Walks out.)

(Blackout.)

CURTAIN