by Njel de Mesa
CHARACTERS:
PERSON 1
(Anywhere. Anyone. Anywhen. Anyhow. The point of this play lies in its pointlessness, in the stagnant display of irrelevant blame-seeking arguments that people would conjure just to win it. If in the end, you don’t like this play or find it shallow, then the play has served its purpose. The play can be presented in myriad ways, with different given circumstances per performance- e.g. couples haggling, teenagers teasing and fighting, a court room incident, co-workers trying to pull rank etc.)
PERSON 1: (Irked.) I’m sorry… but I’m right… you’re wrong.
PERSON 2: (Grunts with disbelief.) Riiiiiight…
PERSON 1: (Scoffs.) I’m always right!
PERSON 2: (Indignant.) Well, so am I!
PERSON 1: No you’re not!
PERSON 2: Then that makes you wrong altogether!
PERSON 1: What makes you think that?!
PERSON 2: You just said, “I’m NOT always right”! What makes you think you have the power over me and dismiss my claim?! I didn’t dismiss yours!
PERSON 1: I said it first! That makes me right!
PERSON 2: What “it”?
PERSON 1: “It”!! That I’m always right! Geez, what part in “I’m always right. You’re wrong”, don’t you understand?
PERSON 2: Everything about… “IT”.
PERSON 1: Good. That makes me right all the more…
PERSON 2: Can’t you see that I might be right as well!
PERSON 1: Don’t you ever listen?! I guess that proves that you never pay attention to what I say… I said, “You’re wrong”! And when I say you’re wrong… You ARE wrong! It’s a given!
PERSON 2: Then you’re wrong thinking that!
PERSON 1: No I’m not.
PERSON 2: How is it that you have the gall to say those over generalized statements, as if you own the scales of justice?
PERSON 1: …Because I AM justice!
PERSON 2: Justice?!
PERSON 1: Yes, justice! Justice is what happens when I am right and you are wrong!
PERSON 2: I see. In that case, injustice—I believe—happens when you are right and I am wrong! What do you say to that?!
PERSON 1: What do you know about justice? Or injustice for that matter?
PERSON 2: I AM justice too you know. Want my calling card? You seem to have lost your sense of it!
PERSON 1: How original! You are justice too?! So why is it that every time you’re wrong …why would it take months, years, centuries for you to recognize and then take responsibility for your own fumbling failings…
PERSON 2: Now, you’re being unfair!
PERSON 1: Oh, am I? Newsflash: I am the victim here of your unfairness not you of mine! Didn’t you just hear me… It is YOU, not I, who do not have the discipline… Much less… the capacity to apologize, recognize, and admit to even your most trivial blunders…
PERSON 2: Well, if their trivial why do you still have to bring it up here… now—
PERSON 1: --Because we’re arguing! Of course I need solid historical evidence to corroborate with my deposition that you are a professional bug-a-boo who just couldn’t afford to admit to even just one… just one… I mean, how hard can that be …one failure!
PERSON 2: Why should your deposition even count?! You’re just a nit-picking persnickety prick who loves spotting inadequacies of other people so as not to see your own! PLEASE!! (Beat.) This time I’m right! So stop sweating the small stuff about ‘how I don’t apologize’ to things I didn’t even do to you and pay attention to the real issue here—
PERSON 1:--Shut up and listen! Fact is, YOU…you never recognize it when you’re wrong even when it’s so prominently obvious like an undeniable big shot snot clogging up your nose! Well, lo’ and behold! How convenient! Your failure to recognize your mistakes IS your classic excuse for not apologizing to any of YOUR mistakes!
PERSON 2: What mistakes?!!
PERSON 1: My point exactly! (Beat.) So stop pretending oblivious to it, else you’ll have all your rebuttals ricocheting back at you! Admit it; you don’t know when you’re wrong. I do. And this time …guess what …you’re wrong …AGAIN!
PERSON 2: (Scoffing.) I’m wrong.
PERSON 1: Trust me.
PERSON 2: Ahhhh,…and you can spot it when I’m wrong? Is that so? You can, but I can’t?!
PERSON 1: …can spot it from a mile away…
PERSON 2: Just…how is that possible?
PERSON 1: It’s THAT big!! (Pointing to 2’s face.)
PERSON 2: I’m sorry but I can’t see it…
PERSON 1: That’s because you don’t take time out to look in the mirror and examine your snot-box… simple as that!
PERSON 2: Aha! So now you have the responsibility to recognize it for me and then tell me?!
PERSON 1: (Defensively irate.) Yes!
PERSON 2: From what I gather all you ever see—for in fact, that is all that you would ever look for—is that big shot snot up my nose! (Sarcastic.) My, you are such a very good judge of character, you know that?
PERSON 1: (Offended.) Yes, I know that too. So stop judging me. I AM the judge.
PERSON 2: Well your welcome to keep digging dirt on me… from me, if it makes you happy… if it makes you right… THEN it makes you happy…
PERSON 1: No thanks. I’ve enough evidence.
PERSON 2: From one snot you say you have enough evidence? You’re not a very good forensic judge in that case!
PERSON 1: For whatever case… You are wrong! For your case… IS closed!
PERSON 2: Overruled! You let your emotions get the better of you. I don’t think this case is even ripe for adjudication to be judged by anyone… the snot of the matter does-SNOT concern you…
PERSON 1: Yes, it does… when I have to put up with it!
PERSON 2: Then just don’t look for it!
PERSON 1: How can I? When it’s five-foot-plus-plus tall and always wearing THAT (Pointing to Person2’s attire.) …crazy get-up …that is equally a big mistake …like the person wearing it …annoyingly hounding me … following me around all day…
PERSON 2: Hounding you?!!
PERSON 1: Yes. Say, if I throw you a bone will you go away?!
PERSON 2: Not until you clearly explain how is it that I’m wrong…
PERSON 1: Even if I did, you wouldn’t get it.
PERSON 2: And why is that?
PERSON 1: --Because everything about you is a mistake! Anything you say… was, is, will be… wrong! Accept it and live with it!!! (Crescending.) You’re wrong! You’re wrong! YOU’RE WRONG!!!
PERSON 2: FINE! I’ll live with it! I’m wrong! Happy?! Well, then that makes me right this time!
PERSON 1: What?!!
PERSON 2: I said I’m wrong then that means I am right this time but then you say… anything I say, said, or will say IS wrong… Then that means I’m mistaken in saying I AM wrong. Ergo, I AM right in the first place for I am wrong in the second place!
PERSON 1: First place, second place, third place… You have a twisted sense of twisting your already twisted logic!
PERSON 2: Twisted? I’m the one who’s logical here—following a clear causal syllogism that happens to be intelligibly very sound…(Sarcastic.) …unlike some people’s superbly eloquent—“I’m right. You’re wrong. I’m right. You’re wrong. I’m right. You’re wrong.”—
reasoning!
PERSON 1: The reason why I use small words is because I’m considerate enough to adjust to your slow brain’s comprehension pace. Piece of advice: Your late-brain direly needs an upgrade! The entire human race has evolved… you’re still an ape!!
PERSON 2: Considerate? Well, why don’t you consider this: YOU’RE WRONG! It’s a logically sound conclusion carefully derived from a mentally sound method of understanding… which you don’t happen to have… but of course, I can’t comment on your mental acumen because there’s simply nothing there to comment on! I swear, if you had another brain, it would be pretty lonely!!
PERSON 1: And what does that supposed to mean?
PERSON 2: Figure it out… if you can… (Smirks.)
PERSON 1: Well, if I am brainless how come I’m right and you’re wrong!!
PERSON 2: Because you don’t know any better. Because you’re brainless.
PERSON 1: If I am brainless, how is it that I can do this… (Pokes out tongue.) …or this… (Does another explicit gesture.) …or THIS!?! (Another explicit gesture.)
PERSON 2: (Offended. Thrown off.) You know I like you… you remind me when I was young and stupid…
PERSON 1: Ha! You see? I’m right!!
PERSON 2: How can you be right when you’re stupid?!
PERSON 1: How can I be brainless when I’m stupid?! That means I DO have a brain…you said so yourself…
PERSON 2: I did NOT!
PERSON 1: You see. (Beat.) You’re wrong and you’re not even keeping track of what YOU say. My, my, you’re wrong AND senile …how bad can your brain be?!!
PERSON 2: Shut up! I don’t get you!!
PERSON 1: You don’t get me?? You just don’t get it! You say I’m stupid because you don’t get me!! I’m too much for your—let me remind you ‘cause you’re senile, what a hassle—primitive brain!!
PERSON 2: Whatever!! I’m still right. You’re still wrong. (Beat.) And brainless. (Beat.) And stupid.
PERSON 1: I’m brainless AND stupid??? You see, YOU don’t see… you’re wrong… your sense of logic has just left the building and brought us back where we came from: Your inability to recognize your own mistakes!! Here, let me do you a favor: YOU’RE WRONG. (Beat.) There feel better. At least now, you know… and knowing is half the battle.
PERSON 2: What battle?!
PERSON 1: This one I’m winning that you’re not getting… that I’m right.
PERSON 2: Oh, I get it! You are right! But wait, if I “got it” then that makes me “right” right now and no longer wrong, which disproves your prior claim that I’m always wrong. That leaves a door open for a possibility that I was right from the very beginning.
PERSON 1: Short-term memory loss. That’s what they call it.
PERSON 2: Haha! Admit it! I’m right!
PERSON 1: Didn’t you just admit that you finally got it?!! THAT I’M RIGHT!?!
PERSON 2: Well, yeah, but don’t you remember saying I’m not supposed to…
PERSON 1: You’re the one who’s senile not me! Don’t remind me of things I said that you don’t even understand that’s why you’ve been taking them out of context. I DID say you’re always wrong. That remains to be right. But I didn’t say you’re not supposed to get it! “Getting it” doesn’t make you right. It just means: that if you humbly accept your lesson well that you are wrong… you can probably break the spell, and then next time… you might just get it right!
PERSON 2:(Shouts.) The only lesson I learned from this useless debate is to never haggle with brainless people who think their always right!!!
PERSON 1: Well, I am!
PERSON 2: No you’re not!
PERSON 1: (Trying to top each other’s volume.) You’re wrong!
PERSON 2: I’m right!
PERSON 1: NO. I’M RIGHT!!!
PERSON 2: NO. YOU’RE WRONG!!
BOTH: (Screams in absolute frustration.) AAAAAAAaaARRRrrRRRRrrRGGHhhh!!!
(Long beat pause.)
PERSON 1: Well…
PERSON 2: Well…
PERSON 1: What should we do now?
PERSON 2: (Deep sigh.) Finally. (Beat.) Something productive.
PERSON 1: (Looking at a watch.) What a waste of time.
PERSON 2: (Sarcastic.) You noticed?
PERSON 1: Not my fault…
PERSON 2: How responsible…
PERSON 1: Are you saying it’s mine?
PERSON 2: Uhhh…the answer to that question would be: of course.
PERSON 1: Well, you’re wrong.
PERSON 2: Are you saying it’s mine?
PERSON 1: Uhhh…the answer to that question would be: of course.
PERSON 2: Well, you’re wrong.
PERSON 1: I’m not. You are…
PERSON 2: You are. I am not.
(Light fades as the two actors take it again from the top and do the whole act all over again until blackout.)
CURTAIN
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